I’m posting this entry to make anyone who feels like they might be having a bad day put their miseries into perspective. While many people experience a problem or two throughout their day…not many could handle the barrage of semi-catastrophes Tim and I often find ourselves in and keep their sanity and sense of humor in tact. While there is still humor…I’m sure you’ll see this joke is actually on us this time. Here goes the conspiracy theory.
So it had been a hectic week and Tim was the mood for lasagna. Saturday was spent mowing and doing other household crap so I thought it might be nice to invite a couple friends for dinner the following night (to spread the love and calories). I pull out my phone and start thumb pecking to a friend… “would you and Bob like to come over for dinner tomorrow night.” I half expected a denial but much to my surprise I got my reply within seconds, “when do we eat?” So I sign myself up for my famous lasagna and a raspberry swirl cheesecake. Granted they are both a handful but my neighbor has made me feel like I can do anything (she refers to me as Betty…as in Crocker). It’s no big deal…I can whip up some stuffed peppers for dinner…spend the evening with my cream cheese goodness and wrap up lasagna the following afternoon and even have time to relax and watch a movie. Let the fun begin!!
Forgetting that we are renting an older house with all the quirks and charm that they bring, I inadvertently used the garbage disposal and after dinner we realized the water was standing in the sinks…draining at a snail’s pace. Following some expletives and a short tantrum in which he accuses me of putting everything short of human limbs down the little magic black hole, Tim decides he will wait until morning to snake the drain and fix the problem. So I crank out my cheesecake (dirtying more dishes than I ever thought I had) and pile the dishes in the dishwasher (after all it will be fixed in the morning and I can run a quick load before dinner). Morning comes far too soon and after a couple cinnamon rolls, Tim was trying to snake the drain with his little hand held thingy. It of course did not work and he was off to Ace to rent an automatic snake. He arrived, the snake was waiting, and he knew this was way too easy and he was right. The woman refused to rent to him because he still has a LA driver’s license. He offered many other documents to prove he now lived in TX, but to no avail. He asked for a manager…she said she was the manager…so he went up front and asked for a store manager. She arrived and said that when the hurricane was here, people would rent things and not bring them back. He looked around and informed her that 1. There is no hurricane now and 2. She had 7 employees and only one customer so maybe she should rethink any residual income she could scrape out of this Sunday. She was guarding this snake like it was her first born or at least something we would want to run off with. I mean seriously, in a time of crisis who is going to immediately scheme to steal a 300 pound contraption which takes up 3/4 of the get away vehicle? Any such reasoning would be lost on her. (And I still am left wondering why people in a hurricane would steal drain snakes...is there not more pressing issues besides plumbing?) She offered a solution…if he knows someone who does have a TX dl, they could rent it for him with a $25 cash deposit…otherwise, he would need to put down a $500 deposit. Now only a simple mind would find the former alternative better than the latter but he agreed to the deposit and brings home the monster snake…drags it in the house…only to realize it will not fit down the pipe and weighing in at a whopping 300lbs this sucker is not going up to the pipe on the roof. So back he goes…I told him to be careful because if he slammed on the brakes that sucker would be in his lap…he heeded my warnings and was very careful only to be cut off while entering the parking lot…at which point the beast flopped over and did some minor damage to my interior.
His hopes are revitalized when he realizes they have a “junior” version of the snake which is what he has used before (yes we have done this before) and said he would like to rent it instead. His hopes are then dashed when she refuses to rent it to him because it’s “not what he needs for the job.” After a few rounds of … “You need this”… “This won’t fit, I need that”… “No you need this” he finally decided she could shove it right up her ass and left with nothing. He came home and gleefully took an anxiety pill and decided to dink with it a little more (to no avail) and finally decided to head to Lowes for a more powerful hand snake. At this point my phone rings and my door bell rings…which created quite a dilemma considering I had just stripped down to get in the shower…so I answer the phone (it was my neighbor) who then tells me to get the door (where there is no one standing) and then calls me back to tell me her husband has located a snake (it was probably him at the door)…so I call Tim to tell him the good news. “The neighbor has a snake!!” His reply was “okay, what do you want me to do?” “I want you to come home and get the damn thing!!” Thirty minutes later I heard him climbing up on the roof and went out to investigate…this is rich!
Me: Did he bring it?
Tim: Bring what?
Me: What is that?
Tim: The snake I bought at Lowes.
Me: Where is Bubba?
Tim: He’s at his parent’s house. I drove by and saw his car on my way home.
Me: So why didn’t you stop and get the snake? Is he going to bring it here?
Tim: I doubt he’ll bring it home…he’s probably going to kill it.
You might have to read it twice…but I only had to hear it once. I just stopped. I couldn’t say anything for a few seconds beyond “are you kidding me?” Why would you not interpret the word “snake” in the context of what has been going on all morning? Yes, indeed…he had interpreted it as an actual snake and was actually confused as to why I wanted him to stop his current search for a “pipe snake” to stop and help the neighbor’s in-laws with a slithering snake. But alas he pulls his head out of his a$% and goes to retrieve the snake…only to return moments later with another little hand jobby which will not do the job.
Up on the rooftop Tim will go…to make the kitchen water flow. At this point I am building lasagna and running in and out to make sure he hasn’t fallen off the roof and plunged to his death. On my second trip out he looked worried… “Did you get it?” I asked with such hopefulness. “I got it in…now I can’t get it out.” At this point I knew not to ask if he was kidding and told him to just get off the roof. By now his little FukItAll pill had fully worked its magic but I was still frantically running around trying to get things ready for company. On the verge of my meltdown Tim mentions "I don't see what the problem is...I'm in a fine mood now." I told him to be grateful we are not living on the rim of a volcano as those would be his final words at which point he decided to get busy and help a bit.
So 3 dishwasher loads of dishes were washed by hand and dinner was ready on time…but alas…no drain as of yet and relaxation has eluded us both to say the least. But every difficult situation should teach a lesson and thus I have tried to find one here. Never again will I invite anyone over for dinner…no good can come of it and problems will arise where before there were none. Goodbye socialization…hello hermit-hood.
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