Finding Comfort in the Familiar

We have been amazed at how drastically different the service is here in Beaumont. Wait staff and clerks are all happy, smiling, friendly…it’s downright frightening! But today I found comfort in something familiar. Today…I went to Walmart.

There is no need to detail the goings on throughout the store…suffice it to say, it is like any other Walmart…everyone has gone down the IQ slide upon entering the doors… grabbed their weapons of choice (a buggy, a basket, or a small screaming child)…and they are wandering about in an varying states of unconsciousness. I quickly grabbed what I needed while simultaneously running from the screams and dodging the other armed patrons.

The real treat…the comforting reminder of home…was when I went to check out. I approached a lane that had a light on but no one in line (bonus!). I noticed the clerk looked really short and at first thought maybe she was “little” which almost made me detour (those of you don’t know, I have quite the phobia of midgets…it’s something about the big head that gets me). Anyway, I realized she was just sitting on a cardboard box. As I put my things up on the belt I was surprised that as she started to scan my purchases, she had not yet removed her ass from the box…as if they had a symbiotic relationship. I figured there was no way she could possibly ring up this entire purchase without standing up and I watched out of the corner of my eye as she stretched to reach the 24-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper. Now why she was sitting on the box is still a mystery to me…but if she was doing so because of back pain…that stretch did far more damage than standing for a mere 2 minutes. It was actually more work to do her job from her low lying box than if she were standing…but I wouldn’t dare suggest…Lakeshia clearly knew what she was doing.

After I had compiled all my items on the belt I moved forward to watch the finale of this show and pay for this excellent service. Did I mention she hadn’t even spoken to me yet? Well, her first words blew my mind. I’m sure you’re expecting something like “hey, how you doing today?” or maybe “did you find everything you were looking for?” HA! Her first words were “your lettuce rode over dare” (rode and dare not being typos but to translate she was saying ‘rolled’ and ‘there’). I followed the direction of her finger as she pointed and saw my lettuce…all alone…in a bag…on the floor…about 10 feet away. Did she expect me to go fetch it? Did she throw it? How the hell did my lettuce make it from her hands to this unusual location?

I looked at her puzzled…but she was not making eye contact…I looked at the guy patiently waiting behind me…he raised his eyebrows. I knew at that point I could not go and collect my little head of lettuce…I refused to be defeated…I really wanted salad with dinner…but I had gotten 2 heads of lettuce so I had one to spare! I announced I no longer wanted the abused head of lettuce. I figured she would have to go collect it to perform the void…but I was wrong…she dug through all of my other bags to find the spare. I turned to the guy behind me and explained that we had just moved here from Shreveport and I feel like I never left! To my surprise…she found this to be very funny…probably because it was far too many words for her little brain to process and thus she laughed out of confusion.

I paid my bill (minus the head of lettuce which was still lying there on the dirty floor), passed the greeter (who said nothing), and dodged several vehicles (with big rims and booming trunks) before throwing my bags in the car and making my way out of the parking lot…vowing the entire time…I will not return to Wal-Mart in Beaumont…(until my homesickness kicks in and I feel the need to be mentally and verbally mistreated while handing out my money for substandard quality goods and services).